What is it to be golden?
‘Although the gold may melt, its colour will never flicker’
Gold; a colour we associate with wealth, happiness, maybe indispensability. I had it all. A 2.1 from a top UK university (tick),a job at one of the world’s largest technology firms (tick), a glorious golden tan from 4 months of blissful travel across SE Asia and Australia (tick) (tick). Add on a nuclear family and two holidays pre authorised. What could go wrong? Apparently everything.
This blog isn’t to dash hopes or to quell the dreams of those about to depart on their own adventures. It is to remind people that even those who seem to have everything in place; ‘winning at life’ so to speak, can melt under the unexpected pressures of modern day living. It is to explain that those who may seem to be perfect from the outside can be filled with inner turmoil.In my case, turmoil so harrowing that it led to a mental health diagnosis and months of rehabilitation in both private and NHS- funded institutions.
This blog will relay my personal struggle with an anxiety related disorder; they call it ‘first episode psychosis’. It will convey my current recovery, which, I believe, is a work in progress. The condition, I feel, was caused from events that left me reeling: circumstantial personal woes, which I think, would bowl anyone into meltdown. However this is not a blog to assume blame onto any one or governing body in particular; although each of these were facets that facilitated what I now know to be ‘panic attacks’.This blog is to offer a beacon of hope to those who may be going through something similar or even mildly related.
It is ultimately a sad story, but one with glistening light at the end. I am living proof that you can get through this. I understand I write with a bias; from the perspective of a ‘golden’ child where life for me wasn’t that hard. In fact I loved life and this was normality. I know that I cannot speak for everyone since each mental health diagnosis is so particular, however I may be able to offer some comfort through my words and no doubt consolation to those who are experiencing symptoms akin to mine, which I will fully admit were ‘crazy’.
I am like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and I got burnt. My golden wings melted and the glue disappeared; I fell pretty hard onto the ground. BUT although the gold may have melted, its colour will never flicker. This will be a grounding experience for me as a newfound blogger, with my identity protected for now.